Today I thought I would post about what makeup has taught me about myself. First, don't get me wrong - I could talk about makeup all day long. Clearly I could tell you my favorite brands and products without skipping a beat, but I didn't always feel the way about makeup that I do now.
I'll be very raw here. I took these pictures only about two years ago, and the only reason I posted them is because I was in another country and trying something new to help push me out of my comfort zones. Honestly, half the time I posted a picture because it turned out well it was because when I looked at the picture, I removed myself from the person that was looking back at me. Those eyes, that expression - they couldn't possibly belong to me. There was always something deeper going on that I didn't want to remember - I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. This, the older I get, the more I hear, is sadly something that most women see when they look at themselves. So it didn't stand to reason in my mind that I could take a photo of myself bare-faced *I think I might have lightly filled in my brows* and be okay with what I saw. Most of the time, when I left my apartment without makeup on I felt suffocated. I was very aware that I didn't have anything on, and I was very aware of how that made me feel.
Let me be clear here, it wasn't about what anyone else would think of me, it was what I thought about me. I decided long ago that the opinions of others didn't matter, but if there is one thing I am good at doing, it is being my own worst enemy. Without makeup on, I would purposefully avoid looking in the mirror. It wasn't just on the days you wake up with puffy eyes or a huge pimple on your forehead, it was every day. I saw an ugly face staring back at me, one that I wanted to cover up as quickly as I could. So grab that eyeliner and concealer, you're going to cover up what you can and distract from the things you can't. That's what I always told myself, and once the makeup went on, I would sigh - half a sigh of relief and half a sigh of defeat, because this was as good as it was going to get.
Now, think of the stereotypes you associate with women that wear makeup every day, then think of the stereotype you have in your mind about a woman that never wears makeup. Women are either whatever version of "too much" someone deems them, or not enough. 'She's got so much makeup on, she looks like a clown' versus 'She should put on a little makeup so it looks like she's trying.' Most days, to many people, I am probably the latter. I do have days, though, when I go out in public with a full face of makeup on - and not just for costumes. The difference between now and then is that I don't hate myself for doing it.
The comments didn't stop - hurtful, hateful, and judgmental people will always exist. When I hated myself, I ignored them and held my head high because their opinions didn't matter to me. When I hear them now, I ignore them and hold my head high not just because their opinions don't matter - and to anyone and everyone reading this that has ever had something hateful said you, their opinions will never matter - but because I no longer believe the rubbish that they're spewing as my own truths. I get all kinds of comments from all kinds of people ranging from degrading and disgusting to uplifting and kind, but once you learn that the only opinions that matter are the ones that you let matter, they lose their bite. Don't get me wrong, I have had plenty of years worth of being bullied enough to know that the phrase 'sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me' is nothing but a farce. They can and will hurt you, but only until you stop letting them.
I bet by now you're wondering what the hell any of this has to do with what makeup has taught me. Makeup, as I said before, was only a means of covering up a face that I thought should be hidden from the world. Through makeup, though, I discovered just how beautiful I was without it on, and I stopped feeling ashamed of feeling beautiful in my own skin. When I put on a fresh face of makeup, I might have brightly colored blue lips or glitter everywhere, and that's okay. I get to create whatever art I want to create, and at the end of the day, I get to wipe it all away and see what's underneath. Guess what? I happen to like what's underneath. Underneath was the artist that was inspired to love herself and create art from a few brushes and products. I don't feel like a girl hiding in the shadows anymore, trying to snuff out the light and cover myself up. I feel like a woman that stands in the light and forces the darkness to get out of my way. So now when I grab a makeup wipe and watch as it all disappears, I look forward to seeing the canvas beneath. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.
This post was inspired by a friend of mine, Travis. He's a beautiful soul and a beautiful person, and I feel lucky to know him.
Did I mention he's also hilarious? He's the best. ;)
Bis zum nächsten Mal,
RayKay
Social media:
Facebook: pretttynerdy
Twitter: pretttynerdy
Instagram: pretttynerdy
Youtube: pretttynerdy
Bloglovin': pretttynerdy
No comments:
Post a Comment